I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be “recognized” this past week. By “recognized”, I am referring to that thing that happens when “who” a person is, on a fundamental level, is seen and acknowledged in a way through which they can feel and experience the seeing as accurate and real. Part of this is about coming to know what being recognized by others actually feels like, but I also think that in order for the feeling to go in and to register as experience, there is a significant amount of recognizing oneself that has to happen first.
This past week, for the first time in my life, I have been referred to with male pronouns almost exclusively. THIS is good…. this is great actually. That is exactly the internal reference point at which I find the greatest amount of personal comfort, and it is an amazing thing to have that reality mirrored back to me with increasing frequency and accuracy as the physical process of my transition from a female-bodied to a more male-bodied person progresses. The question-raising, thought-provoking, slightly destabilizing part of that for me has been the context in which it has occurred;
Five days ago, I started teaching at a new school in a new community. When I left my previous school at the end of June, I was very much “out” as trans and male and despite that, was very much still seen and referred to as female by the majority of students, staff, and parents…. Here in this new place, a very liberal and equity-minded environment, I have never specifically asked to be recognized as male and yet, have received male pronouns and reference points 98% of the time. I know that some people in the school community are aware that I have had gender experience outside of biological male-ness, but I am not sure how widespread that knowledge is. As such, I also do not know if I am receiving “he” because I am actually being read as an assigned-male-at-birth individual, OR if people here are just really nice and totally respectful of the fact that as a transperson of the male persuasion, I prefer masculine pronouns.
All of that is fine. The only part of this experience that is unexpectedly throwing me at the moment is that for the very first time EVER, I do not know how it is that people “recognize” me. Having lived as a visibly gender queer person for approximately 10 years prior to any name changing, surgery, hormones or other more obvious professions of preferred gender identity, I have become very used to random people letting me know explicitly – by either words or actions – exactly “what” they think I am, so I have rarely had to guess. This lack of ambiguity meant that until I needed to make specific decisions about being out as trans, I could defer the work of “recognition” and function almost exclusively with the information about me that I was getting from outside of myself. Despite all of the frustration and negativity and even violence that sometimes came with being recognized that publicly and arbitrarily, there was an odd sort of familiarity to that state of knowing. It crept in over time… So much so it seems, that the fact that this was a significant part of my life experience that would shift along with all my other changing parts never really occurred to me.
Without that immediate and definite knowing of how I am being read, I am suddenly finding it difficult to understand how I feel about a few basic things;
a) What now is required in order to maintain the integrity of my entire self and all of my experiences… both as a person who lived for 30 years in a female body and as a person who spent 30 years feeling like they were not supposed to be in that female body.
b) Can I ethically accept and make good use of this safe space that comes with being less visible in order to “recharge”?… To step back for a moment from the constant struggle for comfortable space and authentic recognition in order to enjoy the fact that this “he” is directed at me?
because seriously;
c) Does anything other than just BEing matter at this point?
The truth is though that as soon as I typed the words to
c) Does anything other than just BEing matter…?
I understood that although on some levels I want to be able to find and internalize a different answer to this question, I can’t actually do that...
Because it does matter.
Ideally, no one in the world would ever have to fight for their birth-right - the safe and quiet space in which to just BE that we are all entitled to. Reality on the other hand, is a reminder that we as a society still have a lot of work to do in order to make this happen without constant vigilance. That being said, I am also realizing that points a) and b) have everything to do with a slightly different question that holds a great deal more personal responsibility.
This being;
How will I recognize mySELF?...
This is really the point in this particular transition that I seem to be coming to now; the transition from being obviously, visibly, gender queer and very vocal about that to needing to make different – and in many ways, more active – decisions about what of who I am I actually want to share with the world… To acknowledging that I am stepping into the privilege of being seen as male and white and English speaking and able-bodied among other things – so how then do I want to BE in that?
It is this question…
“What will you do with your one wild and precious life?” – Mary Oliver
…and I am not yet sure how to intentionally write myself in to that.
LEE
